I was used to going into my own world and dozing off into my imagination when my parents were together. It was the easiest way to brace myself for the argument that I knew would always come- always.
They weren’t together much- maybe a total of a full year throughout the span of my lifetime.
Their on again off again relationship left me craving family, even if it was a dysfunctional family.
I never understood what was happening because they didn’t talk to me about it. I just knew that it hurt really bad and I had to be strong and fake it to make it. That wasn’t good for me at all.
When I had my chance at family, I committed to doing things right. Not just to fulfill my dream of having a happy tight knit family, but also to give my kids a better family life than I had. It was really messy at first since I didn’t exactly learn what “healthy” was. But since it was something I wanted badly, I learned nonetheless.
There is no such thing as a perfect family. I repeat there is no such thing as a perfect family.
I personally believe it’s all a fairy tale- cynical as that may sound. If I ever meet a family that’s “perfect”, I won’t be able to help but wonder what kind of harbored emotions are hiding behind clenched smiles. Do they secretly all hate eachother? 🤔
However, having a happy family- now that’s possible. Very possible. Because mine is. We actually like eachother and want to spend time together. Yes, it’s true.
I did some digging and asking around and I found a lot of questions in regards to improving relationships with family members and how to have a happy family. I’ve answered them based on my point of view, experience, and research.
As you read my answers, I urge you to open your heart and open your mind.
HOW DO YOU RAISE A HAPPY FAMILY?
It takes a whole lot of grace, patience, and admitting mistakes to raise a happy family. In our house, it gets ugly sometimes and we’re okay with it. We’ve had some pretty big blowouts in the past and I don’t regret any of them- though I regret things I’ve said.
We are always working on keeping our family close by talking things out. We have always talked about everything. There’s no stuffing allowed here anymore. We tried that route at first and it was going downhill fast.
While we know to honor when someone isn’t in a good place to talk- the talking always happens.
Even though you’re connected to someone through blood relation or marriage, being tight knit doesn’t automatically happen. In order to have a happy, tight knit family, there always has to be communication going on.
The more we talk about our issues as a group, individually, or in pairs, the better our family life is.
Communication doesn’t end at, “What’s for dinner?” or “How was your day?” It’s talking about the real issues, the stuff that bothers you, the things that light you up, and why things are the way they are. We’re always in a place of seeking truth, asking why, and looking at situations from multiple angles.
HOW CAN I IMPROVE MY FAMILY LIFE?
HAPPY FAMILY TIP #1: FACE ISSUES HEAD ON
The best way to improve your family life is to not leave issues unresolved. One of the biggest reasons for family split is because of ended communication. Most of us have a hard time with confrontation because it hurts, we disagree, and oftentimes, the ugly truth comes out.
When we make the choice to keep pushing through and laying it all out on the table, we can get to know our family members better.
This is a key part of getting to know your kids, why they’re behaving poorly, or why they’re feeling sad. There’s a reason for everything.
The key to this is to understand that everyone has different views, experiences, and circumstances. It’s easier for us to note this with other adults but not as easy with our children. When we communicate with them and allow them to share, we also have to respect their opinions without judgment. We must also find balance and discern when something important needs to be addressed.
HAPPY FAMILY TIP #2: BE HUMBLE & GIVE A SINCERE APOLOGY
Finally, it doesn’t always matter who’s right or wrong. What matters is whether or not you hurt each other. Many times, we intend to do good but we end up hurting our family members. Or we simply don’t regard how they feel because we don’t agree that it’s worth caring about. Despite our differences, we must always apologize- sincerely. It’s one of the best ways to improve family life.
Sometimes, “I’m sorry” or, “Oh, my bad” is just not enough. How can you sincerely deliver an apology? The best way is to acknowledge that you’ve hurt the other person first and then deliver the apology. For example, “I had no idea that bothered you so much. I’m truly sorry for hurting your feelings.”
When it comes to a family member, it is always okay to surrender when you’ve hurt someone through your actions- whether you feel justified or not.
HOW DO YOU MAINTAIN A GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR FAMILY?
A big reason why relationship with family members dwindles is because of harsh criticism and judgment. When you live with someone, whether it be your spouse or child, you are well aware of their faults. And sometimes, especially as a parent, you’re sure that you know what’s best for them. You’re tempted to try to protect them, fix them, or tell them what they need to change. Whether this is well-intentioned or not, it can really hurt a family member. It’s really important that we, especially as mothers, don’t cast our judgments on our children and use their faults against them.
HAPPY FAMILY TIP #3: WATCH YOUR WORDS WITH YOUR FAMILY MEMBERS AND YOUR CHILDREN.
For example, I recently caught myself when using one of the common, “Really?! You know better than that.” When I saw the look on my son’s face I realized, Wow, I’ve been talking to him like he’s an idiot. That’s not okay. So I stopped. And even if I’m tempted to say that, I’m not going to continue to speak to him with disrespect. I want to show my kids the same respect that I expect from them.
Be mindful to not tear them down. If you want trust, the best way to form it is by showing respect. Trust is a huge key to a happy family and a great way to improve family relationships. Watch the words you use with your spouse and children and ask yourself if they’d resent you for saying that. Would you like if someone spoke to you that way?
HAPPY FAMILY TIP #4: AVOID HARSH CRITICISM & JUDGMENT.
Nitpicking can break anyone down, the biggest pain and confidence issues come from family members who didn’t realize the pain they were causing.
When you see fault, ask yourself if it’s really necessary to point it out. Your family members and your children learn more through example and boundaries than through being told.
If they know that every time they’re around you, you’re going to try to fix them, they’re just not going to feel like accepted by you and they won’t want to be around you.
WHAT ARE THE QUALITIES OF A GOOD FAMILY?
The top qualities of a good family are communication, empathy, affection, and mutual respect. In order for a family to function, these three components are vital.
HAPPY FAMILY TIP #5: HOW TO IMPROVE COMMUNICATION
To improve communication and improve family relationships you must show genuine interest, actively listen, and repeat what they said back. This is vital at all times. It never hurts to take five minutes to listen to your husband or let one of your kids show you something. In the grand scheme of things, those five minutes will truly not hurt anything but they’ll make a massive impact on your relationship.
HAPPY FAMILY TIP #6: HOW TO MAKE FRIENDS WITH YOUR SPOUSE AND KIDS
Make friends with your kids and your spouse by showing empathy and putting yourself in their shoes and what they’re going through. Even if you’re dealing with a small child, repeat their concern back to them and acknowledge their pain. Remember, your “opinion” doesn’t matter. What matters is your relationship with family members.
HAPPY FAMILY TIP #7: HOW TO SHOW AFFECTION
Showing affection can be difficult for some but it’s because they probably didn’t receive it. And the best way to learn affection is by practicing being more affectionate.
Studies show that touch is vital for a human’s survival, especially a baby or small child. For people of all ages, it helps them to feel safe, nurtured, and loved. Remember boundaries and to be appropriate. Also, never forget the power of a hand on your daughter’s shoulder, a stroke of your son’s cheek, or a simple hug.
HAPPY FAMILY TIP #8: GIVE MUTUAL RESPECT
The most important of all is mutual respect- especially for parents towards their children. Often, parents have an old view that their child is basically their child forever and they’re entitled to treat their children however they want.
They never show their child respect, even from a young age, and treat them solely like a subordinate. This is what birth’s the world’s “people pleasers”. They were bred from authoritarian parents who didn’t show them mutual respect. The same is true for spouses. If a woman doesn’t show her husband respect as a man, she can’t expect him to behave like the man she wants him to be.
If we want our spouses and children to have self-respect, we must start by showing them the respect they deserve.
HOW TO HAVE A HAPPY FAMILY- WHAT MAKES A GOOD FAMILY RELATIONSHIP
As you can see, in answering your questions about what makes a good family relationship, I didn’t mention anything about having a perfect family.
I’d have to say that the happy family is the one that’s perfectly imperfect, acknowledging each other’s differences, showing mutual respect, and placing a strong focus on communication.
Communication is often hard, but necessary. And sometimes it gets a little ugly. Sometimes we’ll yell, hopefully very rarely, but we always fight fair. It’s okay to get feisty sometimes, as long as you both know that you’re working to improve your family relationship.
The core of it all is finding resolve in the disagreements and finding your path together through the pain in order to love each person the way that they need to be loved.
All families are dysfunctional families at some point but happy families are the ones that see it all through- banding together when times get hard. In a time when we’re all tempted to numb out on our phone or close up in a room and watch Netflix to get away from tense situation, I urge you to do the opposite.
I urge you to lean in and ask the questions. I urge you to be quiet when it’s time to listen. And I urge you to apologize when you’ve hurt your family member- even if you don’t think you’ve done wrong. It does not matter. Choose humility over pride. It always wins.
