In order to live in peace, we must be willing to make radical changes. This episode is a continuation of Episode 11, where I dive deep into my story and the lessons I’ve learned about releasing the need to prove my worth. I talk about what you need to let go of to stop proving your worth, how to stop trying to figure things out on your own, and what I needed to let go of to get closer to living a life of purpose, freedom, and more confidence. I’ll also show you how living like a modern day Moses can help you more easily trust that your needs will be met. Tune in for another dose of Grace for Breakfast! Find me on Instagram @ivianabynum and say hi! Click here to listen >>
Key Lessons:
- What you need to let go of to stop proving your worth
- How to trust that your needs will be met by living like a modern day Moses
- What it takes to do radical things and make change
- What I needed to shed to prepare for the next level
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Episode Transcription
In the last episode where it was just me talking so back in episode 11. I shared about my story and my journey of owning my worth and really learning to surrender to God’s plan and really learning to let go of. The things that happen to me in the past and stop behaving from a place of pain and hurt and fear and proving something and living in self-judgment.
[00:00:27] And in this episode. I’m going to share the other half of my life and where I’m at now, but how I’ve gotten to where I’m at now, so hopefully I’ll get it out in this episode. We’ll see but tune in. For another episode of Grace for breakfast. Are you ready to stop feeling like you’re failing at everything want to stop picking yourself up out of burnout over and over again. Stop proving your worth
[00:00:55] Do you feel like it’s just impossible to reach your goals? And be a good mom at the same time. Well, it’s all good because we’re in this together now. It’s about time you treat yourself to a much-needed break grab some coffee and get ready to take a little bite of Grace for breakfast.
[00:01:30] Set the time of this recording. I just got done recording the very first episode in this I guess two part series. I don’t know what it’s going to turn into. I’m like really learning to just give in to what needs to come out of me right now and what God wants me to say and stop China. Button it up and make it a certain way and stop trying to script it up in a certain way, especially when it comes to my story and what I want to share with you that really comes from my heart. Stop proving your worth
[00:02:03] So after I got done recording this episode the last episode in which I shared the beginning part of my life how I met my husband. What happened to me in high school college all those things when I was really lost still and now I’m going to share with you a little bit more of the lostness in my life and how I continue to find out more things about me.
[00:02:24] And so when I finish recording that last one I stopped I went I got dressed. Because it was like an hour long and then my kids were in the living room with my husband. He’s doing home school today and they’re reading the story of Moses and I never understood the story of Moses. There’s a lot of stories in the Bible that I still don’t understand and I’m like, you know, I’m just like any other that’s like well this doesn’t make sense. Stop proving your worth
[00:02:49] I don’t agree with this and ultimately it’s just learning. God’s plan is way better than mine. There’s a purpose to everything and as I grow in wisdom and didn’t even an age and experience. I can see things in a different light in the way that God intended them to be seen and the story Moses. I just thought in a completely different light.
[00:03:12] And the timing was just so perfect. It went right along with what I just been talking to you about in the last episode and it was so if you haven’t heard the story and I’m going to totally anything anytime I tell you about bible stuff. It’s going to be broken down in a layman’s term. So. Sorry Moses Moses is the sky and when he was born his mom the Pharaoh at that time was killing all of the newborn baby boys or any I think it’s like any firstborn son and the mom like hit him for a while. Stop proving your worth
[00:03:42] And then I got to the point that it was just so dangerous that. She made a basket she put him in the water and his big sister was just looking off like seeing with a basket went and I feel I feel like I was like the pharaoh’s daughter or someone someone in the Kingdom found him and she was like, wow, this must be one of the Jewish babies and I’m going to raise him.
[00:04:05] So Miriam the sister came up and she was like, oh, do you need someone to nurse him and take care of him? And she was like, yeah. She’s like, oh, I’ve got the person and it happened to be her mom. And so Moses is Mom was able to nurse him and take care of him and until he was like old enough whatever long story short he grows up in the Kingdom something felt wrong to him and then he had the strong conviction that. Stop proving your worth
[00:04:32] He had to free the slaves and I’m going to skip like the whole middle part of the story, but he went off into the desert and he had this experience with God and but he spoke to God through a burning bush and this Burning Bush God told him like he was to let his people go and Moses. From what? I know he had like a stutter like a speech that I know that he had issues with speaking.
[00:04:56] So he got was like all right fine. I will support you in this and he he said your brother Aaron will help you. So Aaron was kind of Moses spokesperson and Moses was like the leader and like the Visionary and he led the Jews into Freedom. So he freed them from slavery. And then they pretty much wandered in the desert for like 40 years and they kept going back to their own vices and back to worshiping their idols and not listening to God and not trusting in God and they wandered for years before they really, you know achieved Freedom, which was what God intended and I had this realization. Stop proving your worth
[00:05:43] As my kids were reading and oftentimes a joke, and I’m like, I feel like Moses and I’ll share I’ll share the story as to why but I often feel like Moses because I feel like God has this purpose for me. I don’t know what it is. I just know what’s you know, it’s something. I think I might be making a bigger than it should be and just kind of be still in the process and that’s what God’s just teaching me over and over of just surrendering and just being okay with what is right now and I believe this is applicable to all of us in our lives and our Journeys because we feel this unrest and I believe that when we feel this unrest it’s like this. Stop proving your worth
[00:06:23] It’s that stirring in our spirit that just stuff is not right and Something’s Gotta change. Something’s got to give whatever it may be but it’s always God’s calling or through the Holy Spirit or I’m trying to be more mindful to because I know a lot of people who are believers right now for the sake of not offending any other type of spiritual belief.
[00:06:42] They’re like, oh, you know, whatever you call God the universe or. Source or whatever, but I believe there’s a little bit of confusion these days for people in their spiritual beliefs that it is. It’s like not cool to talk about God or it’s just not cool especially for us as Christians to just be like I this it’s I call it God and I called the Holy Spirit and just be like and just say that and we end up staying and I’ve fallen into this and I still fall into it saying. Stop proving your worth
[00:07:15] Like if I’m on an interview, I’m like, well, you know, I call it God or you can call it sorcerer for me. I call it the Holy Spirit, but you can call your inner voice or your inner guide and my podcast don’t take what you met. And then throw out the rest take what the lesson that you need for yourself or the Insight that you need for yourself.
[00:07:34] And then just throw out the rest freshly with my interviews if someone says something that. Offends you like don’t get stuck in the offense just take the lesson because everybody who comes on has different ways of expressing their beliefs, but at the end of the day, we’re all in this journey, we’re all figuring out what God wants for us, whatever you call it, but we’re all figuring out what God wants for us. Stop proving your worth
[00:07:58] What were meant to do and the goal is to find peace so back to Moses. Moses I believe like in the modern world a lot of us are being brought up to and I know that this is said a lot about Millennials that Millennials they’re so self-absorbed and you know, they’re lazy and I had this realization that it’s almost like history repeating itself at the end of the day what God wants us to do is to.
[00:08:30] Surrender to him and to trust that he’s going to take care of us to trust that he has a purpose for us and he’s going to use use us in his own very special way and sometimes I think that we wrap it up and like we feel like it has to be this huge thing like like for me for me. It was like I was going to be an attorney and I was gonna be a civil rights attorney and that was arriving for me and when I didn’t get to that point it took me years. Stop proving your worth
[00:09:00] Of shedding that and I remember when I every time I met someone I’d be like I have my MBA. Yes. I have my MBA and and it’s like who cares now I still end up saying things that I’m like I did it again. I did that again. I try to prove something and then I go back and I’m like who cares like if you like me then get to know me and.
[00:09:26] You’ll get to know my past you’ll get to know what I’ve accomplished all my accolades. You’ll get to know all those things about me and but if you don’t like me for who I am now, and because I’m a good person and because I’m genuine and I have good values and I’m just nice then peace out good riddence, but if you are going to meet me and we continue to meet people and. Stop proving your worth
[00:09:51] We measure them based on like what their career is and what kind of furniture they have and what brand name shoe they’re wearing and what purse they’ve got on and what kind of fake eyelashes they got out and how their hair looks and what kind of job he has and what kind of car he drives me on I’m just tired of having friendships like that.
[00:10:12] And that’s what I hate so Moses, I believe that God. Wants us to just trust and rely on him and trust that he’s going to feed us that he’s going to close us that he’s going to. Give us bring the right people into our lives and that’s what this journey has been for me that I’ve been on and I came to this realization while my kids were reading the story. Stop proving your worth
[00:10:39] My son was reading and I was like, huh? So the slaves that Moses and hey, I may be wrong who knows like this is I’m not a theologian or whatever but in modern world the slaves are all the people who are. Maybe working corporate job that they hate and they just don’t like working corporate. They’re working at certain career that they totally do not like they are just in a place in their life that they are in like.
[00:11:09] Figuratively in slavery, but that provides them their paycheck. It provides them their home. It helps them to pay their very ridiculously high car payment or their mortgage payment. It helps them to buy those shoes that make them look like they’ve got their stuff together. It helps them to clothe their kids and ridiculously expensive clothing. Stop proving your worth
[00:11:38] That makes them look like they’re they have arrived in some way and I needed I need to step back there though too because there’s a difference between wanting things that are valuable that will last because I like to I let me say I like to get a nice things that will last me through the years and often times.
[00:11:57] It involves an investment. So that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about proving something. I’m talking about proving you’re worth through the exterior through your career through your the car through the house through the things do the decor. Whatever I’m talking about that I’m not talking about. Stop proving your worth
[00:12:17] Like hey, if you like to get stuff nice because it’s going to last you a long time because it’s valuable and not because you have anything to prove then that that I that is my personal belief and how things should be and then some things I’m not going to spend a lot of money on because it’s like what’s the point?
[00:12:33] And I’ll probably lose it especially like living in Puerto Rico. There are certain things that we were not going to spend a lot of money on because it’s highly likely that it’s going to get ruined because of the climate or our kids will lose it whatever it’s one of those things that’s disposable. Stop proving your worth
[00:12:48] So anyway, I digress I realized that and very modern culture. The story of Moses is very applicable right now because right now there is this these people rising up. Be certain and I think a lot of them happen to be quote unquote Millennials rising up and saying I don’t want to live that anymore. I want to live my truth.
[00:13:12] I want to follow my purpose and I’m going to listen to that and I might be broke for a while and I might look like I’m crazy or like a hippie or. Foolish or you know me it may look like I’m making very horrible decisions. However, I’m willing to take the risk and I think that that’s what happened with Moses when he was Leading the People like God ultimately wanted freedom for those people from slavery, but on a deeper level he wanted them to trust in him that he was going to take care of them. Stop proving your worth
[00:13:47] And what ended up happening is that. The people like they had moments of like well when we were slaves we we had food, but at the end of the day God always fed them. He gave them Manna he gave them bread. They never went hungry. It might it might not have been the food that they wanted to eat or what they were used to obviously they were being fed.
[00:14:11] They had what they needed and a great example of that right now is like. And I’m working through it. Like when I lived in Colorado I had so I started with that car that I bought when I first started dating my husband that car that I bought I had for many years. I even brought it to Colorado. That was the only car that we brought. Stop proving your worth
[00:14:34] Then when I became a mom it was like when I so, I had it with my son and then we had the second kid. It was like, whoa. It’s tight in this car. So we got a minivan then I got to the point where I had started a photography business business. I was working in, you know, working more corporate and I just felt like I don’t like to drive around the minivan my pride trying to prove something.
[00:15:00] So I treated my minivan and for an Audi. Very nice fancy Audi Q7 and I loved it. I was like, I I deserve this and I want this and I’m more respected. For this so when I drive this car and I’m a photographer people see me as more valuable and they won’t have such a hard time paying my prices. I guess.
[00:15:25] I don’t know. I don’t know what the logic behind it was but there was a lot of different things at play. And I know one of them was. Trying to prove something for one and not to say that one day like one day again. I really do want to have a nice good solid SUV, but I probably won’t get an Audi even though I loved it like to fix it was ridiculous.
[00:15:51] It cost like $300 to change the battery. It was ridiculous and it was just not practical for me and. I don’t like who knows but I believe that when the day comes that I can afford an Audi. I don’t know that I’m gonna be like, I don’t know that I’m really gonna want one. I think I’m going to want something that I’m not spending a ridiculous amount of money whether or not I haven’t fixing it or taking care of it or maintenance in it. Stop proving your worth
[00:16:20] Like I just think it’s dumb now, so. When it came to move to Puerto Rico, I we looked at the import taxes and it was going to cost us like $6,000 and import taxes to bring that that SUV and it was starting to get older. So little things started like we’re starting to need to get fixed and every time something had to get fixed in the thing was expensive and it was like it was just dumb when I was like man I could have used that money for something fun with my kids or I don’t know something better. Stop proving your worth
[00:16:51] And so we decided to leave it and then when we moved here, I didn’t have a car for a while. So we brought my husband’s pickup because it made sounds and it was practical and he’s he, you know does a lot of like carpentry and construction and he works with his hands and like he has the need for a pickup.
[00:17:09] We also have a great day. And so any time we need to take him somewhere. We got to have a big car to be able to take him someplace someplace in so there’s that. And but it’s been a very humbling experience for me because I went from having this fancy SUV to no car and then we met we so then we got to this point that I was like I really want a car. Stop proving your worth
[00:17:34] So I started praying I was like God I want a car. I really want a car. I want a car. I need a car. I’m tired of using I was using my mom’s car wash because she is a car in Puerto Rico and I just was like, I want my own car. And it’s funny how God works because before we left we had like a little Honda Civic that was like our extra car that breed drove when he didn’t, you know to not have his pick not drive his pickup everywhere because obviously their gas guzzlers and we gave it away.
[00:18:02] Like my husband was like babe. I really feel like we need to give this away if you like God’s telling me that we need to give this away and I was like, no way like we could totally sell. And make some money and he was like, nope. I think we need to give it away and it was hard. It was one of those moments that like, you know Not only was I trusting my husband but also trusting in God, you know, this continues lesson, then I’m always having to learn.
[00:18:26] I’m just letting things go and trusting God’s plan and then so we gave it away and it felt really good. It felt amazing actually and there was a whole nother story involved in that because the people that we gave it to like that same like within those same days their car had broken down and they were Carlos and they were like in a bind and then out of nowhere, you know, my husband’s like babe. Stop proving your worth
[00:18:49] I feel like we need to give it to these people so. Long story short we gave it away. Then I’m in Puerto Rico and I don’t have a car and I’m like God, I really need a car. I want a car and then long story short. There was this man that we met that was in Puerto Rico for a short time. He was looking at investing and before he left he was like, I have the option to even either store this car in definitely don’t know where I’m going to store it or I can give it to you guys.
[00:19:17] He’s like. I just want to give it to you guys. I don’t want to worry about storing this car and I was like, so at that time I was having I was working through being okay with receiving and I was like babe, you know, like there’s a story in that my mind that whenever I receive something from someone I owe them something because.
[00:19:41] I mean there’s a long story there and how those stories built up in my mind, but I always felt like if I got something from someone I was like indebted to them and that wasn’t true obviously, so I had to work through that with my husband just to receive the car but really. That same week would it had I been praying for and I’ve been asking God for a car and it happened to be a car that was not very fancy really old really beat up not cute and it happened to be a car that I it’s funny how God works that I used to say.
[00:20:14] I would never drive one of those cars. I would never drive one of those cars like legit said it many times in my life every time I saw that type of car. Lo and behold what do I get that car for free? And I love it. I love that car. It’s so good on gas. The AC is awesome, especially in Puerto Rico.
[00:20:37] And the point is that it’s been a very humbling experience for me because it goes back to the story of Moses that I was sharing was that these people they were wandering in the desert for so long and they were getting food. They were they were fed. They were being taken care of but not in the way that they wanted not in their way and I was like when I heard that story I was like, oh my goodness. Stop proving your worth
[00:21:06] Wow, isn’t this what? We’re all going through right now. It’s like we are in slavery in a place that we don’t want to be whether it be a job whether it be I don’t know a home or just a certain circumstance and we want to be delivered from it, but it’s going to take bravery. It’s going to take doing something.
[00:21:32] Sometimes it’s going to take doing something a little bit radical a little a radical change in our lives and ultimately it’s going to take trust and faith that God’s going to take care of us and also release from. How we want it to be and I have one of my mentors there was a time that I was like, you know, we need money my family needs money and she was like, well you need to ask God and receive and tell God lord.
[00:22:01] I receive what you have for me in unexpected ways and doesn’t mean that those ways are going to be permanent. It doesn’t mean that however, Get that money at that time is going to be the end-all be-all. It’s just I need money or I need this resolved. And if God, you know, if you want God to provide you with that solution, then you have to be willing to accept it in the way that he sees fit because his plan is always so much better.
[00:22:34] Then our plan and the story of Moses and freeing the slaves is that perfect depiction of that plan and for me, like look at that’s one way that it played out for me. It’s like I wanted this Freedom. I’m free from the Audi. I’m free from the debt of that car. And now I wanted a car I got the car but obviously God was working to Humble me and I need to be humbled. Stop proving your worth
[00:22:59] I’m still working on it because like I told you and these previous episodes. I’ve had to work through like having these certain brand name things looking a certain way having the certain outer appearance having a certain car. I’ve had to work through all of those things and I have been like broken down and built back up and broken down and built back up.
[00:23:19] And that’s just one way in which God is working on me is my humility. I need to be humble. Stop trying to prove something in order for God to prepare me for the next level. So I need to shed a lot of the things that I haven’t shed before I can handle the next level, you know, and that’s what wisdom.
[00:23:40] Is wisdom is applied knowledge and it comes through experience and it also comes through humility. And I know that that’s something that I’ve had to let go of a lot of is my pride. I had a lot of Pride from. The start of my marriage because I was bred to be wop. This strong independent woman that doesn’t take crap from a man doesn’t take crap from anybody and that was like my protection and I’ve had to work through that over and over in so many different ways and I mean the car that I drive right now is just one perfect example of just shedding that you know, trying to prove something. Stop proving your worth
[00:24:20] So let’s go to. We’re a lot of this began. And so I want to pick up on my marriage and you know when we first started dating so we started dating and my husband and I while we were dating I was still like, you know how I told you that. I had recommitted my life to God my sophomore year summer of college and I was still doing a lot of knuckleheaded stuff.
[00:24:49] I still ended up dating this guy on and off that really. He didn’t he was just messing with my head. Then I started dating my husband and I was just done like I had been dating that guy for a couple years on and off never fully official and I was just done I was done being fiddled around with you know, and I was starting to own my worth.
[00:25:13] I was starting to see that I had worth and I had value and I met my husband and I was. Owning my worth but in a very unhealthy way because I was being stubborn and proud and controlling and so many different things judgmental and we just got to the point where like we want to get married. So my husband we did things a little bit backwards in a way that I I mean, I wouldn’t want my kids to do it, but we moved in together.
[00:25:41] Less than a year later and like stuff really got real like all our ugliness truly started to come out and we would get into these horrible arguments and at the same time so my husband didn’t grow up going to church and I was like if you want us to stick together, you got to come to church with me and what’s funny is like I was totally being such a hypocrite and my life something that we all are.
[00:26:02] I mean, I’m still like I still find myself so many times. I’m like that was so hypocritical of me to say or whatever, you know all back to like trying to prove something prove that I got it all figured out and I don’t and none of us do we so we were going to church and still like we’re living together and just like doing stuff backwards and then we started to get really convicted like.
[00:26:28] We want to get married like we don’t want to be playing house and not be married. And so that was so we went to our pastor and oh and I totally skipped the part that we went to Disney World and he proposed at Disney and then we came back and we were like we want to get married. So like within three weeks of getting engaged.
[00:26:46] We’re like we want to get married and our pastor was like wait what and you don’t even trust him and you guys like have. Are always complaining about how you know, you have such a rocky relationship bubble button. You guys want to get married right now? No, so he made us go to marriage counseling for a month and he’s like, I’ll marry you guys you guys go to counseling with me and and then I’ll marry you guys so we stuck to the plan and July 3rd. Stop proving your worth
[00:27:13] We got married and I was I remember just like I knew every time that. My husband has his own story about how he like God told him to marry me like it was time. And but I remember just like knowing that I know that I know that I know that he was my person and at the same time having so much fear and having such a hard time trusting and.
[00:27:41] That was what like, you know, we got married and we had such a rocky first few years. Like I want to say like the first four or five years of our marriage were really rough because I did not trust him at all. Like I didn’t trust people. Period and my go-to way of dealing with stuff was like well, we’re having a shoe time to break up.
[00:28:04] We’re done we should get a divorce like we’re done and he was always like know you like we’re in It to Win It. We made this decision. We need to figure this out and he fought for me in that way which thank God because I was used to being like we’re done and then like playing that game of breaking up with the guy and then getting back together and just that on and off again like it was ridiculous.
[00:28:31] And that’s what I was used to that’s what I knew. That’s what I saw with my parents. That’s what I knew to do. That’s what like made sense to me. And my husband thank God he broke us out of that and we got to a point that couple years in like we just it was just so bad sometimes with our arguments and just that we were like we need to take this off the table like we need to take divorce off the table and make the decision.
[00:28:59] That we’re going to be together in this is what it’s going to be. So and that’s when I believe that our our life started our marriage started to change and it also went hand-in-hand with our faith because often times with God things get really hard and we. Give up. We’re like, all right, I’m done with you god like I don’t hear you. Stop proving your worth
[00:29:23] I people talk about how much they hear you. I don’t hear you. I don’t see you working in my life because we expect things to be so Monumental, we expect them to be like black or white but life has very a lot of gray and it has a lot of very small miniscule changes that ultimately. Bring us two more and more freedom.
[00:29:48] And that’s where the story of Moses plays out a lot. These people ended up wandering in the desert for 40 years because they just kept trying to figure it out on their own and that’s what’s happened in a lot of ways in my career. That’s what’s happened. And a lot of ways in my marriage was that. We were trying to figure stuff out on our own and not surrendering to God and what God really wants for us and it’s always better and it’s always deeper.
[00:30:21] However, it’s not always like this Monumental change. It’s like a series of small steps small layers that we need to shed before we can get to the next part and. Sometimes we’re in these places that it feels like gosh like I remember being a couple years into my marriage a few years into my marriage been like this is never gonna get better like, you know, we’re having this argument again and I felt like. Stop proving your worth
[00:30:52] It’s never going to change and thank God that I realized like that What mattered was that? He was trying to change and I was trying to change and we would ultimately it was very slow in the beginning for us to just turn to God but as time has passed we’ve gotten quicker at it. Because we still argue we still have our arguments.
[00:31:16] But now when we have our moments, we we know that it’s not over we know that it’s not going to lead us to divorce and we also know a lot quicker like whoa, I need to Just Surrender. I need to just move I need to turn to God right now because I can’t figure this out. I need to stop being so egotistical and proud and thinking that I’m Superman or Superwoman.
[00:31:40] And I need to let God figure this out for me and marriage has been really really really a huge Learning lesson for me in that department of Just Surrender. And you know, I keep saying that I’m going to tell the story of my marriage and where we’re at today and I’ll get to it but I think that this is enough for today and I will continue to share more of how we got here but.
[00:32:10] Yeah, I think that this is where I need to leave it off for now and then in the next episode, I’ll start talking a little bit more about when we moved to Colorado when we chose, you know, right after getting married to move to Colorado and then ultimately moving to Puerto Rico and why we’re here and where we’re at now.
[00:32:32] So stay tuned.
[00:32:40] Are you loving the podcast so far? Is it helping you learn different ways to give yourself Grace. I’m so glad and that’s why I’m taking it to the next level. Become a podcast supporter through the share the grace program and for only five dollars a month, you’ll get access to bonus level content that takes the lessons from episodes like this one to a deeper level by providing you with ways to apply what you’ve learned plus some surprises along the way head to Ivana Bynum.com here the grace to sign up.
[00:33:13] I can’t wait to see you there.
[00:33:20] Hold up don’t leave yet. I would love it. If you go to iTunes right now and leave a review. I want to hear what you have to say and it makes a huge difference. I’m getting other ears on this message and subscribe to so you can get the latest episodes. And if this episode resonated share on Facebook or Instagram and tag me a Tiana Bynum last but not least.
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[00:34:13] Thank you so much and I’ll chat with you soon.
