Welcome to the first of a two-part series about Enabling. It will answer many big questions in your life.
From the moment I began to understand what was going on around me, I learned some very defective lessons in relationships. The worst one was about enabling. That’s when I learned my fallacious definition of enabling- endless forgiveness.
My mother and father’s relationship was a mess for as long as I could remember. It consisted of my father doing everything possible to break my mother’s heart while she was constantly heartbroken and raising me on her own. Time and time again she would be mad, hurt, leave him for a little while, and then forgive him. As time went on and the cycle continued.
It lasted eighteen years.
He must have known that she would always take him back because he never stopped doing what he did. He was always taken back and if my mom didn’t do anything, his mother would bail him out of every mess he made. This is a perfect example of enabling and what it can do to your life.
Here is the real definition of enable:
en·a·ble, en·a·bled, en·a·bling: to make able; give power, means, competence, or ability to; authorize; to make possible or easy
When you see the definition, doesn’t it make you think of all of the positive ways we can enable? Then you can see that enabling should be used for positive, but we end up using it incorrectly.
A few examples on the topic of enabling:
The Spoiled Brat
You have a child that screams when you take something away from them. You took it away because it’s either dangerous or they shouldn’t be touching it. They keep screaming so you give it back. You’ve just told that child that if they scream they will get their way. As a result, they will always scream to get their way and be brat.
Me, Years Ago
When I got older and started dating, I found myself doing the same thing. I was an enabler for many foolish reasons, but here’s how my mind frame was. I was afraid to say no because I didn’t want to get the guy mad. I was afraid to say no because I didn’t want to seem uncool, boring, stuck up, or like I didn’t know how to go with the flow.
I wouldn’t leave a guy even though he was doing me wrong because I didn’t want anyone else to have him, I didn’t think I could do better, I was codependent (meaning I felt like I needed to be with him), the fear of being alone. These were all of the wrong reasons to take maltreatment. It also caused them to wrong me repeatedly.
The worst part about enabling is that most of us are in denial when we do it. We make moves that are solely from our hearts without thinking them through. We make a decision that doesn’t seem 100% right but we do it because our heart tells us to.
On another token, some of us are completely blind to the fact that when we allow problems to continue without seriously doing anything about them, the problems will actually continue to occur.
Consequences of Enabling:
- Lost respect
- Taken advantage of financially, emotionally, physically
- You are looked at as a weak person
- You’re only helping the problem stay the same rather than stopping it
- Being an enabler will have you perceived as a “yes” woman. People will always expect a yes from you.
Your Turn
Now, that you know all about the topic, ask yourself, “Am I an enabler?” Have any of the examples above made you think about how you’ve been handling your relationships? In a journal, write down each way in which you have been enabling others to treat you wrong in your life. Reflect a little on it. This isn’t an exercise for you to feel sorry for yourself, it’s for you to be enlightened. The first step to any change is to become aware of it so you can accept it and be ready to move forward.
If you answered “Yes” to the question above, you’ll want to meet me here next week for the next post where we’ll discuss how to stop being an enabler. I’ll talk about the challenges you may face when you stop being an enabler. I will guide you through how you can change the repeated cycle and how you can benefit from these changes.
Read Part Two of Enabling Series
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