One day as I walked to the bus in New York City, I saw a very good looking man waiting for the bus at the same bus stop that I was.  In my mind I said “if I had a man like that I would stay with him forever”.  I looked at the outer appearance even though I knew God and I felt he was not what God had for me.  A few months after that, I was marrying this man.  Before our wedding, I saw signs of violence.  I ignored those signs because I was in love and I liked his looks.  A big mistake because a month after our wedding he stayed out with another woman.  I forgave him.  He started crying and saying that he was sorry.  A sign of an abuser.  They cry for themselves.  Another sign was the type of friends that he used to be surrounded by. He used to visit places that a married man should not visit.  He had lots of secrets.  He was living a double life. When used to get drunk he used to break everything in the house and the day after, he would cry and ask for forgiveness.  Within a few months, I was pregnant with my beautiful daughter.  During the pregnancy, he was unfaithful.  When my daughter was born he started visiting church with me, I thought he was going to change so I stayed with him.

Soon after my daughter was born, he started with the drinking, drugs, partying, unfaithfulness and abuse.  I left to Puerto Rico thinking that if I moved out of New York he probably would change.  In Puerto Rico he got worse.  He never admitted his mistakes.  If he was unfaithful, if he used drugs, if he lost a job, he always used to end up abusing me verbally and physically.  For some time I became codependent of him.

One day as I was looking at my daughter and holding her, after he had abused me physically and mentally I decided to turn my life around.  I decided to come back to New York and finish my college education.  I finished my Bachelor’s degree.  I was able to become a school teacher because I wanted to be near my daughter and I wanted to be a good example to her. I was tired of letting this man torture me and destroy me.  I started to be good to myself and my daughter.  I continued to study and I was accepted at Teachers College, Columbia University.  I graduated with a Masters Degree and I moved out of New York to Connecticut.  I got a better job in CT and during the twelve years that I stayed with him married, I helped him, put him in rehabilitation programs, got him jobs, supported him and did everything as a woman of God to help him. He never held a job or respected me.  He never changed, he got worse.

I decided to divorce him because I saw that he was a bad example and a bad role model to my daughter and to the people that knew me.  I realized that if I would stay with him and my daughter watched me forgive him after he abused me she probably would end up like me.  I realize that I was ruining my life next to a man who hated my accomplishments.  Every accomplishment was a reason for him to get drunk and abuse me.  I was tired of his horrible behavior.

After the divorce I saved enough money to buy a house for me and my daughter.  He never gave me child support or anything.  I knew that it was about me and helping my child.  I continued studying more and then I was able to buy a vacation home in Puerto Rico for me and my daughter.  I also have traveled with my daughter around the world.  My daughter is happily married, graduated from College with a Masters Degree, and runs two businesses.

I have been divorced for 14 years and I am very happy.  I realized that I don’t need an abusive man next to me to ruin my life and that I am not responsible for someone else’s behavior.  Up to this day he continues with his addictive behavior.  He doesn’t have anything.  If I would it sit down waiting for him to change, I probably would not even be alive today.  A piece of relationship advice about when to break up is that we must take control of the situation and not let the situation take control of us.  Educate yourself and value yourself.  With God’s help we can overcome any obstacle.

A.R.